By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu 

UC Davis is a well-known, acclaimed university with esteemed faculty and plenty of research opportunities. However, it’s also known as “cow town.” Every freshman who is accepted into this fine institution is selected based on their knowledge that the cow goes moo. 

Unsurprisingly, the freshmen in the Tercero dorms love visiting our dairy friends due to their close proximity. The smell is also a good reminder that they’re there. During cow enrichment time, the freshmen will be the silly little gooses they are, and the cows are always watching. 

However, lately, these freshmen have been spending FAR too much time with the cows because the cows have picked up some weird behaviors. One of my sources told me that she saw a cow wearing a silver chain around its neck. Investigations are still ongoing, but I predict that this was a gift from a freshman. Investigators are in possession of the chain, and they say they’re hopeful of finding the rightful owner soon. 

During investigations of the chain, I noticed that the cows were looking a little on the skinny side. My sources in the dairy farm tell me that they are getting proper nutrients, so that’s not the problem. After returning for further investigations, I noticed that it was mainly the cow’s faces that appeared to be skinnier. I noticed this because the jawlines have become very prominent. 

These cows were exhibiting weird behaviors to the point that I thought they were ill. My insider sources tell me that the veterinarians are concerned, too, because they haven’t discovered a diagnosis yet. 

To help out my veterinarian friends and against the police instructions, I conducted a night stakeout of the cows. I hid in a bush nearby with a bunch of snacks and my water bottle. I also brought my iPad for enrichment. I dozed off for not that long when I woke up to faint noises coming from the cows. “Bye bye…”

It took me a second to get a hold of my surroundings since I woke up with drool and crumbs on my face. I stumbled to grab my binoculars and once I got a good look, I saw the freshman huddled around a cow with their flashlights beaming from their phones. 

I almost had a heart attack when I saw the cows. The chain was back around its neck, and now I finally understood what was happening. The cows were mewing. As the audio looped over and over again, I began to question my priorities in life since I was sitting in a bush watching cows mew. 

Putting my existential crisis aside, these cows were actually getting pretty good. Those jawlines were looking sharp. Case closed. Bye Bye. 

Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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By AUDREY ZHANG — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

The first time I came to UC Davis, a turkey blocked my path to the information center. I looked into its eyes. In them, I saw rage, a brutal tragic past and a thirst for first-year blood. I saw my death. But there is nothing to be afraid of. UC Davis is full of wonderful animals and they have all only hurt me a little bit. 

Cheeto is my favorite — he’s the chonkiest little orange cat anyone has ever seen, and you can usually spot people spoiling him by the Physics Building. I remember the first time like it was yesterday: his fur was so soft, his paw pads were so squishy. He rolled onto his back, and the cuteness overwhelmed me. Then there was The Betrayal. I reached out to give belly rubs and he snapped. Respect everyone’s personal space. I wear these scratch marks with pride as a lesson well learned. 

Ducks are everywhere, and so are their adorable ducklings. You can usually spot them in the Arboretum, but my favorite pair is the couple hanging out at the fountain in Voorhies Hall’s courtyard. I’m their biggest fan. I’ve got about a hundred photos of the cute couple napping in the sun, though they haven’t been back since someone decided to drain the water from the fountain. How dare they get rid of the ducks’ date spot. I hope the two haven’t broken up.

Turtles dwell in the Arboretum too, though I can’t blame you if you haven’t noticed. Even a leprechaun would look at the water and say it’s way too green. A shark could be in there for all we know, and we wouldn’t be able to see it through all that algae. Maybe that’s why we have so many mosquitos. They’re my least favorite animals on campus, and the only ones that find their way into my apartment. I would cry if Cheeto graced me with his presence but no, I get discount Dracula here with a side of malaria.

Horses don’t deserve to be mentioned. Someone, not me, had to stand behind them during the Picnic Day parade. They thoughtfully left lovely brown landmines for the poor performers to dodge. Feel free to visit the Horse Barn and enact vengeance.

Last but not least, there is the humble cow. I don’t need to mention anything more. They get enough attention here as it is. 

Written by: Audrey Zhang — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

The post Meet the UC Davis animals appeared first on The Aggie.

By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu 

I recently changed my major to managerial economics with an accounting minor, because I realized that I’m passionate about getting a lot of money. The transition was fairly easy, I was able to get all of my prerequisites done, and now I’m tackling the upper-division classes. What made the transition so easy was all of the helpful people in class and the advising office. 

The real help, though, was this super secret society that I joined. I can’t tell you where we meet or at what time, because I don’t even know. We find out the addy the day of, so there’s no chance of it getting out. Not that I think you would be invited even if you did figure it out — it’s a super secret and selective club.

I feel super special because I was recruited by the leader of the club. He ambushed me outside of my ARE 100A class and covered my head with a bag and dragged me away. At that moment, I thought it was the end for me. I was thinking of all of the ways that my kidnapper was going to murder me and then chop me into little pieces when he took the bag off of my head.

We were in some random classroom, and it was really dark except for one candle lit in the middle of the room. This was the recruitment ceremony. They all went around and said their favorite stocks and then it got to me, and I didn’t have an answer. Booming laughter filled the air as they all looked down upon me. As the ceremony went on, I was pretty confused, but I went along with it, because all of my professors kept telling me to network. But, to make matters worse, I also forgot my calculator that day — which made them laugh at me again. 

Anyway, the meeting ended when they told me that once the change of major form was approved on Oasis, I needed to be prepared for my initiation ceremony. I was scared of what they would do if I forgot my calculator again. I lived in fear for the few weeks following my approved change of major. I checked around every corner with a little mirror, too.

They managed to get me when I was in the library. Sadly, I was a little too locked in. I was dragged once again but this time to the Arboretum. If I wasn’t terrified, it actually would have been pretty beautiful. They had fairy lights all pinned up, and there were flowers everywhere. After I said my favorite stock, they made me use the calculator to balance some accounts. It was a little strange, but there could be worse networking events. 

Suddenly, really loud music began to play, and everyone started stomping their feet. Then I heard rustling, and as I looked above my head, there was a Patagonia vest floating. Waiting for me. I lifted my arms up into the air and let it descend onto my body.

Finally. I’m a finance bro. Time to diversify my stock portfolio. 

Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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By AUDREY ZHANG — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

I fell for you at first sound. The moment I saw you, ears bared, open to listening to all the world, especially to your music speaker; I could think of no other. Not even the man taking phone calls in the quiet section of the library made my face flush so red or my heart beat so fast. Tell me why it ain’t nothing but a heartache. Tell me why it ain’t nothing but a mistake. Tell me why I know the lyrics to so many songs I never willingly listened to. It’s because of you. You changed my life. I wanted it that way.

You are so considerate when you play music because now we won’t have to listen to ourselves think. I long to squeeze your neck, ahem, I mean, I long to hold your hand. Yes, your hands, your frail, delicate hands suited only to be loved and not for labor, not even to plug in your headphone jack or turn on Bluetooth. It is beneath you. No one else is so brave, to weather the storm of side glances and wrinkled noses. No one else is so intelligent, to realize that silence is a shackle and we must stick it to the Man.

My love, if your heart beats the same for me, please meet me in the Mondavi parking structure where turkeys warble and garage bands play dulcet drums almost as loud as your music. A man will be waiting for you. He will ask you to get into the car with tinted windows for a very good and romantic reason. Do not delay sweetheart!

Written by: Audrey Zhang — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu  

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

The post A love letter appeared first on The Aggie.

By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu 

My tuition goes up every year, and yet this school is still supposedly short on money. Remember when Sunset Fest got canceled due to lack of funds? It’s time to act, Aggies. If we’re going to get our money up, we need to think creatively. 

I’ve had a couple of ideas including, but not limited to:

1. Renting Gunrock out for birthday parties
2. Hosting a year-round petting zoo with the cows 
3. Event to pie professors in the Memorial Union (You know which ones)

However, I must say my most promising idea is to get Chancellor Gary May onto TikTok Live. I’ve seen plenty of people be successful with this endeavor — all G. May needs to do is beg for the viewers to send gifts, and then the money will come rolling in. This is exactly the edge that UC Davis has been looking for. The May Man already has micro-celebrity status here in Davis, and we need to leverage that to our advantage. He can be seen strolling the streets downtown and will get stopped by adoring Aggies for pictures and handshakes. Now, to really get his attention, you can send him a gift on TikTok Live and get a shout out.

Once we establish Gareth May’s position as a TikTok influencer, that’s when we’ll really start to make money: I’m talking sponsorships and brand deals. Brands will pay thousands for the chancellor to endorse their products. I know it. 

Eventually, Gare Bear will leverage this influencer status into full on celebrity status and will hopefully be invited to the Met Gala. Of course, he’ll be on TikTok Live at the event and, fingers crossed, will get to meet Anna Wintour — then, it will all come full circle when he wears a custom Gucci Gunrock costume. 

Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

The post Gary May should ditch the alumni sponsors and hop on TikTok Live appeared first on The Aggie.

By AUDREY ZHANG — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

I know what you’re thinking. How can a stunning, six-foot-five, cancer-curing college bombshell ever compete with the one cool thing that came out of nuclear armageddon? She doesn’t have a chance. And you’d be right, because that woman isn’t me. I somehow managed to pull a muscle getting out of bed this morning, but I’d still be able to make Godzilla run crying back to his underwater home. Except he can’t, because we managed to blow that up too.

I’ve done the math and it will take me approximately 1954 million years of gym rat grinding in order to bulk up enough to punch Godzilla in the face. In the meantime, there are other options.

It is just a matter of using Professor Honda’s favorite tactic — psychological warfare. Even unholy creations spawned from mankind’s mistakes need to watch out for their mental health. I’d just need to remind Godzilla that no one loves him, he wouldn’t know a good essay if it slapped him in the face and that he’s a lonely orphan loner who’s alone. He will get no closure because there are no Godzilla therapists, because there aren’t even any other Godzillas. (Again, because he’s a lonely orphan loner who’s alone.) He will try to adopt cats so that at least someone will love him, and thus be too busy to squish any more cities.

If that amazing plan fails, I simply have to post a photo of Godzilla, preferably next to a trademarked item. Then, I wait for Toho to find out and sue him into oblivion. They’ll sink anyone violating their beloved copyright so quickly, it will make the Oxygen Destroyer look like a nice bubble bath.

But let’s be real, I’m going to do none of these things. Godzilla is cool, way cooler than the people trying to bomb him for the millionth time. It didn’t work in the last 30 movies, it’s not going to work now. Next time he rises, I’m going to be asking for his autograph, and fighting on his side. You guys better watch out.

Written by: Audrey Zhang — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

The post How I would fight Godzilla and win appeared first on The Aggie.

By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu 

The P and Q are fourth-year undergraduate buses, each with a double major, a part-time job and no signs of burnout. If they make you feel unworthy of your spot here at UC Davis, join the club. Even other bus lines are jealous of them. 

“They’re going places that I could only dream of!” an anonymous bus line exclaimed.

From the outside, it seems like the P and Q have their lives together. However, a rift is beginning to form. 

The P is a pre-med student double majoring in biotechnology and communications. She already has several acceptances to medical schools, and now her biggest concern is just which one to pick. When she’s not worrying about her bright future, the P can be found at her part-time job at the Silo Peet’s where she runs those shifts like it’s the military. Everyone is getting their coffee when the P is working. 

“I saw her yell at her coworker when they forgot my latte had oat milk,” one bystander reported.

On the other hand, the Q is a managerial economics and computer science double major. He is pursuing an MBA after graduating and is thrilled about his acceptance to the UCLA program. The Q dreams of making it on Wall Street by exploiting anyone in his way. He’s had some practice with this already when he was elected president of his frat by exposing another brother’s criminal behavior. Outside of his presidency, the Q is a barber in his free time and runs this business on the front lawn of his frat. 

The P and Q met at a frat party in their first year here at UC Davis, and it was strangely a quick match. I like to think they bonded over their shared love for being better than everyone else. Their ambition has carried them through their undergraduate years here, and they have supported each other through their difficult times. 

However, lately the Q has had much less time to spend with the P. He says he has too many networking events to attend — not that the P minds because that gives her more time to log hours in her professor’s lab. The P and Q will always prioritize their education and career over each other. 

It’s tragic, really. They are the perfect couple on so many levels, but their aspirations are driving them apart. I guess you could say that they are going in different directions.

Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

The post The P and Q bus lines are the high-achieving power couple appeared first on The Aggie.

By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

If you have ever ridden on a Unitrans bus line, you have probably noticed the friendly disposition of the drivers. I have seen the drivers chatting with each other before their buses depart and overall having an admiral little community. Once on the road, the drivers will wave at each other in passing. Sometimes, having such an amazing public transport system running on undergraduate student labor feels surreal.

However, one of my extremely reliable sources informed me of a “black sheep” within the Unitrans community. 

“I waved at him at the stop sign downtown, and he ignored me!” my source said in complaint. 

This seemed pretty dramatic, so I confirmed with other sources about the meaning behind an ignored wave. Apparently, it’s very offensive to ignore a fellow Unitrans bus driver. 

“One time, I almost crashed the bus trying to wave!” another bus driver confirmed. “But it’s essential.” 

Anyway, the current rebel in the Unitrans driver community has consistently forgotten to wave at every fellow bus driver who passes by. This has created serious tension between the drivers, because the majority of the Unitrans drivers need that friendly validation to enjoy their otherwise terrifying and tiring job. 

To mitigate the problem, a driver staff meeting was called to discuss the joys of getting students to class on time, but secretly the meeting was orchestrated to corner the rogue driver at the end of the meeting and get answers. Once the meeting adjourned, three Unitrans drivers circled the culprit and asked, “Why do you hate us? What did we do to you? Who do you think you are?”

The accused driver was extremely confused and started getting increasingly anxious. 

“I’m not sure what you mean,” he said.

“You know what you did!”

“What?” The driver was holding back tears at this point. 

“You never wave to us!” they finally clarified once they saw the tears streaming down his face. 

Apparently, this driver never got the memo that you had to wave since he had just become a driver two weeks ago. Suffice it to say, the drivers felt pretty bad for the confrontation and devised a plan to apologize. The driver was scheduled for the W route the next morning, so they planned to set up his bus to say “W driver” on the little screen on the front and shower him with gifts and praise. However, they never got the chance because the driver quit the next day.

When asked for a statement, all he said was a combination of many curse words I don’t wish to repeat. 

Well, Unitrans is hiring, so if you’re interested, practice your waves for the interview. 

Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

The post There’s tension in the Unitrans driver community appeared first on The Aggie.

By MIAH JORDANE — mjcampos@ucdavis.edu

There are a plethora of period-drama pieces within cinema, theater and literature: “Pride and Prejudice,” “Bridgerton,” “Hamilton,” “Little Women” –– the list goes on. Despite the problematic aspects of the eras these pieces take place in, there’s a fixation with romanticizing and fantasizing about life during older times. The Romantic Period was particularly interested in the romanticization of life through art and literature; we can specifically see this within the “big six” romantic poets: William Wordsworth, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, John Keats, Lord Byron and Percy Bysshe Shelley. Their poetry highlights their romantic perspectives on life, but how would they actually carry themselves within their romantic lives? Here’s my opinion on if the “big six” would actually be as “romantic” as their poetry makes them sound, or if they would even treat you well at all…

William Wordsworth: Sadly, we are off to a rough start. Wordsworth wouldn’t be obsessed with you because he’s too busy being obsessed with himself. Confidence can make someone attractive, but narcissism kind of does the opposite. Unlike the other poets, if you were to date him, you wouldn’t even get some decent poems written about you out of the experience because they’d all be about how romantic of a partner he is instead. 

Samuel Taylor Coleridge: To put it simply, Coleridge would not be emotionally available for a relationship. He definitely has some daddy issues he has yet to confront, and, let’s be real, he might be a romantic but he’d likely not be romantic for you… He’s rumored to be in love with William Wordsworth. This isn’t an issue, in fact, we are all rooting for him. However, you’d most likely never be number one in Coleridge’s heart if you were to date him. If you’re okay with that, though, then at least you would have some nice poetry written about you. 

Lord Byron: The archetype of history’s classic, bad-boy poet of the nineteenth century. This relationship would be a toxic mess, but I wouldn’t necessarily blame you for giving it a shot. As a founding father to vampire literature, a political activist and a man with adventurously fluid sexuality, Lord Byron seems to have been quite charming and appealing during his times. Perhaps his bad-boy charm would work on you, too. 

Percy Bysshe Shelley: Oh, Shelley. Hopping from wife to wife –– even marrying a sixteen-year-old girl to supposedly save her from suicide, only to get annoyed with her and leave her for another woman. Shelley has a history of not being loyal. If you engaged in a relationship with Shelley, I bet it would be quite invigorating as he’s a charming romantic poet, but it would also be short-lived –– like his ex. Sorry. 

John Keats: Last but not least, John Keats: the moody, broody, mysteriously passionate soul who died too young. Keats infamously fell in love with the girl next door, therefore ending the list as the most wholesome of the six romantic poets. Though he never married, in this imaginary world where you are in fact dating Keats, I’m sure he would be true to the romantic poet title and would have a cute, wholesome romance.

In retrospect, this list isn’t super promising. But who is shocked that the romantic poets also had pretty chaotic, realistic romantic lives? No one. 

Written by: Miah Jordane — mjcampos@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu 

The other night, I decided to study late at the Teaching and Learning Complex (TLC) for my upcoming midterms. As I was studying, the material became so unbelievably boring that I nodded off and later woke up in a pile of drool on top of my computer. I wiped up the drool from my chin and my keyboard with my sleeve. I slept so well so I didn’t really mind the cleanup, but then I checked the time. It was 11:38 p.m. and I missed my bus home. 

I began debating where I should sleep for the night. Camping out in the TLC didn’t seem like a great idea. I thought about crashing with my friend who’s a CA in the dorms, but the last time I went to her room I accidentally walked in on her disciplining a freshman. I felt super bad about that. But they had it coming because they stole her umbrella. 

I thought about taking an Uber home but that seemed like a waste of my hard-earned money. I prefer to spend my money on important things like Bitcoin and G Fuel. Then I remembered that UC Davis has a free Uber service — Safe Ride. What an amazing service that my tuition pays for. UC Davis is very serious about making sure that Aggies are snug as a bug in their beds at night. So I called one up.

I watched as the van pulled up next to the TLC and I approached carefully — you cannot be too safe when it comes to white vans. I was greeted by the driver with a wide smile and a greeting. 

“Hello! How are you doing tonight?” he said happily. 

“Good.” I was slightly confused because my driver was acting very hyper. What was even more weird is he handed me the aux cord and told me to play whatever I wanted. I chose to play some classical music to set the mood on my way home. I also wanted to calm down my driver because he was too happy for me at that moment. Sadly, that didn’t work because he talked to me about classical music the whole way home. 

My driver then pulled out a giant basket with a bunch of snacks and drinks to choose from — he said they were complimentary for the ride. I felt very spoiled by the time we arrived at my apartment and as I was about to exit the van he turned his iPad around and said, “So this is just going to ask you a couple of questions.”

I couldn’t believe it. He was asking for a tip for a free service. The only options were $2, $5 and $8. As I was about to pick $2, I noticed a very small button at the bottom that said “Custom.” I clicked on that and then chose $0. Afterwards, I collected my backpack quickly to get out as fast as possible before he could find out I picked no tip. 

“Really! You chose custom?” he exclaimed angrily at me as I was fleeing the van. “You’re weird, and you have terrible music taste!”

That comment stung a little bit. In retaliation, I slammed the van door shut and stormed away from the Safe Ride. The driver screeched away from my apartment, and I swear he left skid marks. 

Overall though, I would give the Safe Ride service four stars because I got home safe, and I had a bag of Nerd Gummy Clusters from my driver. 

Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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