I know what you are — say it!
By AUDREY ZHANG – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
For those afraid of the creatures that stalk the night, I have composed a surefire list to figure out whether you are actually talking to Edward Cullen –– except, unlike Bella, you don’t smell good and are probably just dinner. On a scale of one to 10, I have ranked how likely you need Van Helsing on call depending on the suspected vampire’s major.
Engineering: They never seem to sleep. 10/10.
Political Science: Everyone knows that it’s lizard people who secretly run the world, not vampires. 5/10.
NPB: That’s a fake major if I’ve ever heard of one, it’s just a bunch of random letters. The perfect cover for someone whose only purpose is to get closer to college-aged dinners. 10/10.
Religious Studies: 1/10. No vampire worth their salt would go anywhere near that many crosses. Disregard the ranking if they’re a Buddhist or Hindu vampire. Then it’s 10/10.
Communications: A lot of athletes take this so they can focus on the thing they actually care about. Vampires would stay away from dinners that can fight back. 4/10.
Statistics: You’ve seen Sesame Street right? Count Dracula is a full-grown man who takes five minutes every episode trying to figure out what a single number means. 1/10, and even then, I doubt vampires can count that high.
Clinical Nutrition: Why are they so interested in what we eat, huh? I bet they want to figure out what meal combo makes us the tastiest. 10/10.
Design: Vampires are a bunch of artistic, flamboyant drama queens. 10/10.
Theater and Dance: Drama. Queens. 10/10.
Sustainability: Dracula literally shipped 50 coffins full of soil halfway across the world for no reason. Vampires are obsessed with dirt. 10/10.
Cognitive Science: You’re relatively safe; vampires think the common human is quite stupid and there’s nothing in our brains worth studying. 2/10. Do watch out for zombies though.
Economics: The major’s full of bloodsuckers. 10/10.
Computer Science: They’re pale, stay indoors all day and don’t speak unless spoken to first. Vampire out of 10.
Biological Sciences: They’re obsessed with what we’re made of, and you know what we’re made of? Blood. I rest my case. 10/10.
Italian: 2/10. You’re unlikely to find one here, due to the unusually high amount of garlic and crosses amongst the Italian population. Though any vampires here would be the smart ones who’ve decided to study their natural enemies for any weaknesses. Approach every Italian with caution.
Written by: Audrey Zhang – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
