The jawline goes crazy
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
UC Davis is a well-known, acclaimed university with esteemed faculty and plenty of research opportunities. However, it’s also known as “cow town.” Every freshman who is accepted into this fine institution is selected based on their knowledge that the cow goes moo.
Unsurprisingly, the freshmen in the Tercero dorms love visiting our dairy friends due to their close proximity. The smell is also a good reminder that they’re there. During cow enrichment time, the freshmen will be the silly little gooses they are, and the cows are always watching.
However, lately, these freshmen have been spending FAR too much time with the cows because the cows have picked up some weird behaviors. One of my sources told me that she saw a cow wearing a silver chain around its neck. Investigations are still ongoing, but I predict that this was a gift from a freshman. Investigators are in possession of the chain, and they say they’re hopeful of finding the rightful owner soon.
During investigations of the chain, I noticed that the cows were looking a little on the skinny side. My sources in the dairy farm tell me that they are getting proper nutrients, so that’s not the problem. After returning for further investigations, I noticed that it was mainly the cow’s faces that appeared to be skinnier. I noticed this because the jawlines have become very prominent.
These cows were exhibiting weird behaviors to the point that I thought they were ill. My insider sources tell me that the veterinarians are concerned, too, because they haven’t discovered a diagnosis yet.
To help out my veterinarian friends and against the police instructions, I conducted a night stakeout of the cows. I hid in a bush nearby with a bunch of snacks and my water bottle. I also brought my iPad for enrichment. I dozed off for not that long when I woke up to faint noises coming from the cows. “Bye bye…”
It took me a second to get a hold of my surroundings since I woke up with drool and crumbs on my face. I stumbled to grab my binoculars and once I got a good look, I saw the freshman huddled around a cow with their flashlights beaming from their phones.
I almost had a heart attack when I saw the cows. The chain was back around its neck, and now I finally understood what was happening. The cows were mewing. As the audio looped over and over again, I began to question my priorities in life since I was sitting in a bush watching cows mew.
Putting my existential crisis aside, these cows were actually getting pretty good. Those jawlines were looking sharp. Case closed. Bye Bye.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
